Stay Strong

The Coronavirus has affected all of us in one way or another.

America is different today than it was even last week. One minute we’re going about our business enjoying life and like a lightning bolt our lives are suddenly changed.

As a result, we are changing the way we live in dramatic ways. We are forced to move at a slower pace. We are confined to our immediate surroundings and we’re not used to this. 

We’re used to moving fast, meeting deadlines, and crazy-busy schedules. We come and go as we please.

Well, not anymore. Everything has changed. Our lives have come to a halt until things return to normal - and they will return to normal. 

But while we’re practicing “social distancing” and avoiding crowds we’ll be spending more time at home with our immediate families. As we slow our lives down we can use this time to reflect on what is really important to us. We can focus more on the love we have in our families and the preciousness of life. 

There are certain times in our lives that remind us how lucky we are and how special our lives are. As difficult as it may be to see it now, this may be one of those times.  

But it depends on how we choose to respond in this difficult time. 

This can be a profound opportunity to practice kindness and generosity or it can be a time of panic and anxiety. The choice is ours.

So let’s focus our collective energy on helping others. Is there a single mom who may be low on that ever so popular TP? (What’s with this toilet paper shortage anyway??)

Are there senior citizens who can’t get to a grocery store or could use a home-cooked meal?

How is your spouse dealing with this crisis? Do you think they could use a hug or a kind word? What are some ways you can come together and support each other during this difficult time?

Let’s make this a time to come together in love and compassion as a nation and as a family.

Perspective

As many of you know, my mantra has always been, “Perspective is everything. How you choose to see the world is how you’re going to experience it.”

Well, right now that’s pretty hard for most of us to put into practice considering the circumstances and the prevailing uncertainty floating through the air. (figuratively and literally)

With that said I still think we can pull the silver lining out of even this calamity. 

We are all being mandated to jump off that crazy busy treadmill we call life and actually slow down. We have the opportunity to relish the precious moment without having to rush to the next task. 

Of course, this can be very disconcerting when we’re not used to all this free time and don’t  know what to do with it. This is especially true when we have it for an extended period of time. Crazy busy can turn into stir crazy real fast. 

So, let’s see what we can do to pull some positives out of this one.

For one, you can finally do all those things you were always wanting to do, but never quite had the time. Things like cleaning our that eyesore of a closet or reading all those endless emails that have been piling up. 

You can take the time to be present with your kids and do some fun things with them. 

By now, of course, the closets have been cleaned at least twice and the precious time with kids may have morphed into “How many times do I have to tell you to ...”

So what are some tangible things you can do to turn that perspective in the right direction?

You can use this time to dig deep, reflect, and reevaluate your priorities in life. What matters most to you? What direction has your life been going and is it where you genuinely want to go?

 If not what do you need to change? What is your true purpose in the big picture? 

This crisis has shown us how interconnected we all are. 

What we do really does matter to the rest of the world. Each decision we make, no matter how small, can reverberate throughout the world and make a profound impact. 

This can also be a time to practice moment by moment living.

The future is so uncertain, but one thing we do have is right now. New possibilities have the opportunity to blossom when you accept each moment exactly as it is.  

You can pivot from fear to hope by pulling yourself back into this precious present moment that you now have the luxury to experience fully.

Another way to conquer fear and uncertainty is to remember that we’re all in this together. We can focus on ways we can help each other get through this difficult time. A kind word, a smile or sending love and prayers are more powerful than we could ever know. 

We will get through this and maybe just maybe because of all we’ve been through, we’ll be wiser and stronger than ever before.   

Hope you found this newsletter insightful. If you know one person who would benefit from this email you can "pay it forward" by forwarding this email to them. 

Are you still struggling in your marriage?

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a 15 minute Discovery Phone Session with me.

Not a subscriber yet? Like what you've read? Sign up to get great tools to help you buld a more passionate marriage.

Until next time,

Stay safe and be well!

3 Marriage Saving Tips to Remember This Holiday Season

 Do you love the holidays but hate the family pressures that seem to pop up this time of year? Are holidays a source of stress rather than enjoyment? Have you and your partner ever felt split in two over holiday arrangements? Are you wondering how on earth you are going to make everyone happy? 

Here’s the key: Make sure your marriage is the family that comes first this holiday season 

The holidays can be hard for couples to navigate when it comes to making every family member happy. The fact of the matter is, you’re never going to accomplish that, so it’s important to remember that the family that matters the most is your own. Often couples get lost in all the demands put on them by various family members that they lose sight of the fact that their nuclear family is the most important. 

It may sound crazy, but in order to make everyone else happy this holiday season, you’re going to have to put your marriage first. Tackle the holidays as a team. This means you’re going to have to do a few things.

Communicate 

In order to navigate the potential multiple holiday celebrations you and your partner will have to attend and coordinate, it’s important that the two of you talk about your wants and needs. If it’s really important to you to be with your siblings on Christmas Eve to uphold longstanding family traditions, for example, then there’s only one way for your partner to know that.

You and your partner need to make sure you’ve communicated to one another the things that you really want and the things you really don’t. It’s equally as important to talk about what you don’t want the holidays to be like. The last thing you want is to find out later that your partner was miserable the whole time because you didn’t talk about the fact that he/she didn’t want to do something. 

Compromise

Once you’ve talked about your wants and needs, the next step is to come up with some compromises. Maybe your parents are divorced and your partner has children from a previous marriage and the two of you are faced with decisions about who to spend the holidays with and when. Conflict is going to arise. The key is how you two handle it as a couple. And the most important thing is approaching these holiday challenges as a team. 

Whatever decisions you make, make them together. Your families of origin or chosen families will try to influence your decisions, but the important thing is to be on the same page with your partner.

Maybe this year you aren’t going to see your parents because you spent Thanksgiving with them instead, but that doesn’t mean you can’t carve out 30 minutes with your partner to FaceTime with your parents. In this case, the compromise was already made by spending one holiday instead of another, but the act of FaceTiming shows that the two of you are willing to compromise to still see them in whatever way you can. And more importantly, you’re doing it together

Manage Expectations 

The fact of the matter is, you can’t please everyone. You can’t be everywhere and everything for everyone. So be there for each other. Once you’ve talked about what you want and need from each other during the holiday season and you’ve compromised on plans, take some time to talk about what each of you hopes to get out of these experiences. 

Remind each other how wonderful it is to be together during the holidays. Show each other how lucky you feel to be together and sharing the holidays with your families. Holidays don’t have to be a source of stress if you and your partner are on the same page and, most importantly, spending the holidays together as a family.

 If you would like to talk to me personally about how to keep the strong partnership going in your marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a 15-minute Discovery Phone Session with me. Not a subscriber yet? Like what you've read? Sign up to get great tools to help you build a more passionate marriage. Until next time and happy holidays!

What Children Need The Most From You After A Divorce

Guest post by Deborah Bankhead

I'll be honest, splitting up is hard. If you add kids to the mix, it's even harder. Several experts say that co-parenting is easily one of the most challenging parts of divorce or separation. Can your ex handle the kids by his or herself? Are they financially capable of doing so? What about child support? All of these factors can make co-parenting after a split draining, overwhelming, and even scary.

However, even with all of that, co-parenting is doable. Difficult, but doable. I'm going to share some suggestions on how you can keep your kids happy even after the split.

Separate The Personal Relationship

The first step towards successful co-parenting is separating the personal relationship with your ex from the co-parenting relationship. If you take the anger and resentment from your failed marriage and try to bring that into co-parenting, it'll always be complicated.

Try to think of it as starting over. Why not even think of it as a brand new relationship? After all, if you focus on the flaws, then that's all you'll experience. Remember, this isn't about you or even about your ex. This is about the wellbeing of your kids and doing what's best for them. Although your marriage is over, your family is not. Make the mature decision to put the needs of your children before your own.

Do Not Put Your Kids In The Middle

It's very easy to put your kids in the middle of you and your exes problems without even realizing it. Think about it. When you don't want to talk to your ex about an unpleasant issue, it's easy to tell your child, "well tell your [insert mom or dad] that X, Y, and Z didn't work because they...". See what happened there?

Doing something like that puts your child in the center of your conflict, which can be very confusing to them. It makes them feel like they have to choose a side and they shouldn't have to. Your child has a right to have a relationship with their other parent if they're a legitimately good parent.

Never use your child as a messenger to communicate problems with your ex. Also, avoid saying negative things about the other parent to your children. Resolve whatever issues you have directly with your ex.

Find Middle Ground

What often gets complicated with co-parenting is when one parent is okay with something that the other parent is not. It's a good idea to talk to your ex and have an agreement regarding things like:

* Homework

* Bedtime

* Discipline

* Chores and more

Your children will need consistency and security now more than ever before. Sometimes parents fall into the trap of trying to compete for their children's affection. If you're trying to be the easy-to-deal-with, cool parent, you'll only be adding to the instability. When it comes to the kids, try to be on the same page as your ex as much as possible.

Stick To The Script

Parenting time arrangements can also be a source of stability for your child. If your ex gets every other weekend, then stick to the script. If one of you decides not to honor the parenting time of the other, it causes conflict and confusion. Your child should be able to count on being with both of their parents.

Also, don't focus so much on having a 50/50 split between both parents regardless what your family lawyer might be advising you. Determine what schedule makes sense for everyone. It's the quality of time that matters, not the quantity. This is what will keep your children happy.

The 'New' Significant Other

Knowing that your ex has a new partner can stir up a ton of emotions, but separate your feelings from your behavior. You might be hurt and angry, but don't respond by trying to keep your child away. It's normal also to feel a little uncertain knowing that someone is around your child that you haven't vetted. In situations like this, ask your ex if you can meet their new partner. Being open and transparent involves swallowing a lot of pride, but remember, it's for your kids.

You Can Get Through It

Keeping your kids happy following a separation takes a lot of work, but with a little sacrifice and compromise, it can be done. When you make co-parenting work, your kids will be mentally and emotionally healthier, learn problem-solving skills, and have a good example to follow.

Deborah Bankhead is an Attorney at VS Family Law Group. Deborah believes compassion and patience are required of family law attorneys and she is a relentless advocate for families in crisis. In her spare time, Deborah volunteers to help teens interested in the legal field pursue their dreams and likes to hang out with her cat. www.familytexas.com

Here's how to keep those fireworks out of your marriage!

July is one of my favorite months. I love the long laid-back days and the backyard barbecues. 

For me, going to the fireworks on the 4th of July is one of summer's great pleasures. But it's not so pleasant when the fireworks are in your relationship. 

No worries though. They happen in every relationship because - "stuff happens."

The key is to turn the conflict on its head by pushing that all important "PAUSE BUTTON." 

This pause button short circuits that fight or flight impulse (the instinct that gets triggered during a heated argument) and redirects energy to the problem solving part of the brain. (the neocortex).

So how do you activate this powerful button? 

When that argument is headed to "never, never land" you need to pause and  ask yourself, "What is this going to accomplish?" Then you take a time out. This doesn't mean ignoring it or shoving things under the rug. This important breather gives you the opportunity to regroup, decompress and clear your mind so you can come back to the discussion and give your feelings the respect they deserve by expressing them when you're calm. 

In my work with couples I have them formulate their  - "Plan NOT to Attack." They describe in detail what they will do when things escalate, how long their time out will be, and what they will do to resolve things in a healthier way. When this plan is in play it can eventually become your new "go to" response and can override those old destructive habits.

So, see if you can develop your own "Plan NOT to Attack" together. This way the only fireworks you see are the ones in the sky!

Hope you found this newsletter insightful for your marriage. If you know one person who would benefit from this email you can "pay it forward" by forwarding this email to them. 

Are you still struggling in your marriage?

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here

How To Fight Fair in Your Marriage

Being a Marriage and Family Therapist and being married can be a double-edged sword. You have access to cutting edge tools and techniques and you are expected to always use them faithfully.

Well, things don’t always run as smoothly as they should. Especially in situations like the one that happened last night…

My husband and I were having a “discussion” about a heated issue and I felt myself becoming really angry with him. Did I immediately use one of the techniques I teach my couples?

Uhh, no. All I could think of were the many reasons why I had the right to be angry. I felt totally justified. To top it off, when we were “discussing” the situation, I heard myself uttering those dreaded words I tell my couples never to use - “always” and“never.”

That fight or flight response was in full gear. I was stuck in my immediate reaction and struck by the realization that, in that very moment, I was doing none of the things I teach my clients to do – things I know really work.

This was a very humbling experience, of course, and it was yet another reminder of how very challenging it can be to have a great marriage. I suddenly felt an even more profound admiration and respect for my clients as they diligently work to make their marriages thrive.

My “Aha!” moment came when I realized I have a choice. I didn’t have to stumble down that rocky road of anger and unhappiness, AND I have a reservoir of tools I teach my clients that I can use right here and right now.

“The point of power is always in the present moment.” – that’s what I teach in my workshop. I know that the tools I give my clients to use really work. The challenging part is putting them to work when it matters the most, like when your emotions are running high and it’s so hard to think clearly.

I stepped back from the situation because I realized that what I was doing wasn’t getting me what I wanted. Then I gave myself that all-important time out. This respite gave me the opportunity to settle my mind and think more clearly about the situation, thus creating that crucial pause between the situation and my reaction to it.

This is the fertile ground from which choice emerges.

As my mind started to settle I began thinking about these tools and how they could help me in this situation. The first thing that came to mind was, “Take responsibility for your steps in the dance.”- one of my many mantras. So I began to examine the destructive behavior patterns that I might be bringing into the situation.

It was quite sobering to recognize my role in this pattern, yet also immensely empowering to realize that this pattern was precisely what I have the power to change.

My choices can change the whole direction in this interaction. When we get stuck in our fight or flight mode, we see only those two choices. As I reflected on this during my quiet time I realized there were so many other choices available to me – opportunities to be the loving spouse I know I can be.

This put me in the driver’s seat, actively participating in changing the direction of this encounter. After 27 years of marriage the road can get bumpy at times, but it continues to be an exciting and healing journey.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

4 Healthy Habits of Successful Couples

Just wanted to share a recent article I wrote for Your Tango. Hope it helps you find new ways to keep your marriage fresh.

4 Healthy Habits of Successful Couples

Having a Great Marriage Takes More Than Luck

March can be a very unpredictable month.     

The old saying,"In like a lion and out like a lamb"  captures the mood of March.

In the midst of this tumultuous season, two very special events happen that are near and dear to my heart. 

The first is St. Patrick's Day.

My husband and I met on this very special day many moons ago. Though I don't have a speck of Irish in me, I'd like to think that some of the "Luck o The Irish" can come my way during this time of year.

If I'm not careful, though, I can start to believe that luck or wishful thinking has anything to do with creating a great marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. A great marriage involves two people consciously and intentionally creating the kind of marriage they desire together.

If each spouse is dedicated to taking personal responsibility for how they act and what they do to create the marriage they want, the relationship will continue to thrive. 

Does that mean perfection? No way! It may involve falling many times. But it also means having the courage to get back on track together again and again. 

This brings me to the second special event that occurs in March.

The beautiful season of spring emerges with the promise of new beginnings.

During the cold winter months when I visit my garden, I swear that there is no way anything can grow from that frozen soil and the dry brown underbrush. But lo and behold, every spring those sweet little shoots of life begin to pop up.

New life can blossom in your marriage too, sometimes when you least expect it. 

Here are 3 necessary seeds you can plant in your marriage this spring to help keep it alive and vibrant.

1. Make Time to Connect in a Healthy Way Each Day

Spring flowers need sunshine and water to blossom and your marriage needs your precious time and energy each day to helps it thrive.

Here are some suggestions:

- A simple kiss goodbye in the morning

- A quick text just to say, "I'm thinking of you."

- A brief "How was your day?" huddle to catch up on the days events

        2. Maintain An Attitude of Gratitude

What you focus on expands. Make a conscious effort to notice the things you love and appreciate about your spouse and express this appreciation often.

Here's what that might sound like:

- "Thank you so much for taking the initiative to give the kids a bath tonight."

-  "Wow, you look great in that shirt!"

 - "That was really generous of you to pick up the tab for dinner with my parents."

        3.Random Acts of Kindness

It's the little things that count. This could mean bringing in the groceries or putting on the coffee in the morning. Or it might be calling your partner during the day just to say, "Hi." 

On some days it could be a surprise, like getting tickets for a special event, bringing home a favorite dessert or scraping ice from the car in the morning before your partner wakes up.

Be creative. Experience the thrill in the unexpected.

New life can blossom in a marriage, sometimes when you least expect it.  But don't count on luck or wishful thinking to make it happen.

It happens when you make a commitment to give your marriage the time and attention it needs to blossom into the amazing relationship you really want to have. 

Are you still struggling in your marriage?

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Finances First: Tips for Helping Couples Navigate the Home-Buying Process

 

GUEST POST BY NATALIE JONES

For couples, buying a home isn’t a one-foot-in, one-foot-out prospect. Both parties have to be in agreement when it comes to location, floor space, and price, otherwise problems will arise later on that can eat away at the relationship. Couples have separated over deep-seated resentments caused by a financial move that was made half-heartedly or forced on one partner by the other. Entering into the most important financial decision of your lives is inherently stressful, and things can get really difficult if you’re both not on the same page.

Honesty and openness are absolutely essential if it’s going to work, so make absolutely sure you both understand what you’re getting into and how it’ll impact your long-term financial position. The cost of your mortgage is just one of many potential flashpoints for couples. Goals should be agreed on and differences ironed out before you get too far into the home-buying process.

The elephant in the room.

Money is the biggest threat to marital harmony, especially when you’re considering taking on a mortgage. Discuss buying a home within the larger context of your financial objectives. Misunderstandings arising from a lack of communication are a real threat to any relationship. Many couples avoid discussing money for fear of setting off an argument or because one partner isn’t comfortable discussing it. Don’t be afraid to broach the subject of money. It’s something you’ll have to confront every month for 30 years if you’re buying a home, so you might as well air it out before signing on the dotted line.

Location, location, location

Once you’ve determined what you can afford and how you’ll handle a down payment, it’s time to start looking at neighborhoods. Most people have an idea of the kind of house they’d like to purchase, but you won’t know what it’ll cost until you get a feel for what’s available in the area where you want to live. Discuss what’s important to you in terms of amenities and things you

like to do in your leisure time. If you love to spend time outdoors, you might look for a home that’s near a park or public athletic complex.

If you can’t agree on location, make separate lists of your priorities and determine where you’re in agreement. Then make a single list you can use to narrow down your final choices. There’s nothing wrong with identifying two or three neighborhoods; it increases the likelihood that you’ll find what you’re looking for.

Agree on what you don’t want

Some couples like to make a list of what they definitely do not want in a home. It’s a good idea because it helps narrow down your search and sets mutual expectations for both partners. It’ll also save time since you won’t bother looking at homes that don’t have a two-car garage, for example, or houses that have siding that neither of you like.

Leave the kids at home

Avoid taking your kids along, at least early in the process. You don’t want them arguing over bedrooms before you’ve decided on a house, or complaining that they don’t want to leave their neighborhood and friends behind in the first place. This is a decision you and your partner need to make. You can take the kids along once you’ve narrowed down your list to two or three properties. Then you can make it clear that you’ll be targeting one and that you’d like their opinion as to which they like best.

Finance first

Always lay the groundwork for finding a house you both can be happy with by coming to an agreement about money first. Set a budget so neither of you is tempted by a home outside your affordability. If you’re both comfortable with what you’re spending, it’ll make it easier to find common ground in other areas. Most importantly, you’ll prevent an unpleasant situation later on.

For more information visit - http://homeownerbliss.info/

5 Problems Husbands and Wives Have While Arguing

If I had to name the number one challenge that couples face today it would have to be communication - hands down. It’s sad to see how problems in this area cause so much conflict and eventual divorce. 

The good news is that by making some minor changes in your communication style, you can avoid so much heartache and misunderstanding, which frees you up to use your energy creating the amazing relationship you really want to have. (Sounds like much more fun;)

Here is a Huff Post article that I contributed to which addresses this very problem. Please feel free to add any suggestions of your own.

5 Problems Husbands and Wives Have While Arguing - Solved by Therapists

Is your phone ruining your marriage?

Here's a helpful tip to help you create a healthier marriage: PUT DOWN THAT PHONE!

I know that sounds harsh, but a little tough love is in order here. lol 

The thought of parting with your phone, even for a brief time, may feel like a traumatic experience, but it’s essential to a healthy relationship.

So maybe you can start by shutting it off for dinner. Or you could carve out a little connection time at night with your spouse and make it an “electronic-free zone.”

 It doesn’t have to be a long time. Just long enough to reconnect with the love of your life. 

Here's a Huffington Post article where I contributed my 2 cents on the subject of phubbing.

Not sure what that is and how it relates to your relationship? Read on:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/phubbing-is-probably-ruining-your-relationship_us_59f9fc07e4b046017fb07e32

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a Discovery Session with me.

It's Halloween, But Stop Wearing That Mask In Your Marriage

Wow, just a few short days until Halloween. I can remember how excited my boys would get as they put on their costumes for trick or treating. Through the years, I've enjoyed seeing the neighborhood kids come to the door and it's amazing how different they looked in their costumes. Some were monsters, some were princesses, and some were movie stars, but I didn't recognize them at all with their masks on.

When I think about it, don't we wear some of those same masks in our relationships? It's easier to hide behind masks of anger than to risk being vulnerable. How often do you try to be that prince or princess while burying your own needs deep inside? Things can seem picture perfect on the outside, while quiet desperation brims just under the surface.

One of the first steps on the journey to a more authentic relationship is to create a climate of safety and security. The Couples Dialogue that I teach my couples is designed to do just that. It all starts with the way you communicate with each other.

This dialogue is a step-by-step process of building trust and intimacy as you begin to actively listen to each other with validation and empathy. Here are a few key components:

• Adopt a curious, focused attention on your partner during the dialogue. Remember, you don't have to agree. Your goal is to understand a perspective that will most likely be very different than your own.

• Take turns letting each other speak without interruption. When you allow each other to speak freely without judgment, a safe and healthy connection begins to emerge.

• Use phrases like, "I can see how you might see it that way," or "I imagine that must have made you feel..." These phrases can help to cultivate a sense of validation and empathy.

Being authentic and real in our relationships can be a frightening proposition, but it is one of the key ingredients to a healthy and satisfying relationship. So, as you let your true selves begin to shine, you can put aside those silly masks—except of course on Halloween.

Have a safe and Happy Halloween everyone!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a Discovery Session with me.

How To Help Your Marriage Survive This Crazy- Busy Fall

Well, it's officially FALL. The hustle and bustle has begun. We're off and running. Summer is over. School is in full gear. Life is beginning to get crazy again.

Here it comes... the soccer practices, back to school night, PTA meetings - and on it goes...

It's a whirlwind of "to-dos."  But where does your marriage fit into all of that?

How much time do you make for your relationship? Is it even on the calendar? 

With all these other commitments competing for attention, your marriage can end up forgotten, like the summer vacation pictures at the back of the junk drawer - LOST.

It usually doesn't get much attention until the signs of neglect become too hard to ignore. You begin to feel like those "two ships," as if you're roommates instead of the loving partners you once were.  

You might even start to wonder if your marriage is going to work out at all.

It's no wonder. Neither of you is getting what you need and your marriage is certainly not getting what it needs to thrive.

Your marriage is the foundation of your family and it is too important to ignore. It's not meant to run on autopilot.

Let's make sure your marriage doesn't get lost in the shuffle. You can plan to do things differently this fall.

When you get those calendars out to schedule those basketball practices and business meetings, block some time in your schedule for your marriage. This could mean a Friday evening date night, a walk together around the neighborhood, or just some quiet time on the patio with no distractions.

Just like anything else that's important in your life, the effort you expend morphs into meaningful rewards.

Nothing beats that feeling of closeness and connection with your significant other. But this is built over time and nurtured with every loving encounter.

So get your marriage on the top of that list and start reaping the harvest of a healthy and vibrant relationship.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, just click here for more information about how to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Want a Happier Marriage? Ask yourself this Question Every day.

I love the month of May. The old saying, “All things seem possible in May,” really rings true for me.

Our perspective changes in the spring. Life seems full of possibilities. 

Perspective is everything in life.   

What’s the first thing that you think about when you greet your spouse in the morning?

Is it all the things he or she needs to do to make you happy?

Or...

Do you remember all the things he or she already does that brings a smile to your face?

Every single day you are faced with this all important question about your marriage:

“Am I choosing to see my marriage and my partner in a way that brings me happiness or pain?”

Asking yourself this question every day will remind you that you are in the driver’s seat.

You get to decide.

How you choose to see your relationship will be how you experience it.

What you focus on expands. 

Choosing to focus on all the good things about your spouse will make every month feel like May. How cool is that?

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage,

just click here for more information about how to set up a Discovery Session with me.

3 Secrets Successful Couples Use To Make Their Marriage Great. (Hint: It’s not about luck!)

Have you ever been just a little envious of those extraordinary couples who appear to have such a warm and loving connection? It seems so natural, so blissfully effortless. 

I guess they’re just the lucky ones, right? 

In this season of leprechauns, shamrocks, and the"Luck o The Irish” it might be tempting to believe that luck or wishful thinking has anything to do with creating a great marriage.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

A great marriage involves two people consciously and intentionally creating the kind of marriage they desire together.

Here are three key ingredients to help you build that coveted awesome relationship together.

• Take Responsibility For Your “Steps in the Dance.”

Marriage is like a dance. It has a certain rhythm to it, and each partner contributes to the delicate movements for good or for bad.

Successful couples know how empowering it can be when each spouse takes responsibility for their own steps rather than pointing the finger at each other. 

When you are each dedicated to taking personal responsibility for how you act and what you do to create the marriage you want, your relationship will thrive. 

Practical Daily Doable:

Do one thing each day that may bring some happiness into your partner’s life. 

 - Do a chore you know they hate to do.

 - Tell your spouse how great he/she looks today. 

 - Put a love note on the bathroom mirror.

• Make Time to Connect in a Healthy Way Each Day

Just as spring flowers need sunshine and water to blossom, your marriage needs your precious time and energy each day to helps it thrive.

Here are some suggestions to help you create a healthier connection: 

Practical Daily Doable:

- A simple kiss goodbye in the morning.

 - A quick text just to say, “I'm thinking of you."

 - A brief "How was your day?" huddle to catch up on the days events.

• Maintain An Attitude of Gratitude

Successful couples have mastered the art of gratitude. They know that when things get rough, a grateful heart is the glue that keeps them together.

Unresolved conflict in your relationship can be like a black cloud covering over all the good stuff. You don’t even notice all the wonderful things your spouse may be doing right under your nose.

Here’s the secret. What you focus on expands. When you make a conscious effort to notice the things you love and appreciate about your spouse, those things get bigger.

And don’t forget to share these delightful insights with your spouse.

Practical Daily Doable:

- "Thank you so much for taking the initiative to give the kids a bathtonight."

 -  "Wow, you look great in that shirt!"

 - "That was so generous of you to pick up the tab for dinner with my parents.”

New life can blossom in a marriage, sometimes when you least expect it. 

But don't count on luck or wishful thinking to make it happen.

It happens when you make a commitment to give your marriage the time and attention it needs to blossom into the amazing relationship you really want to have. 

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

How To Make a Difference in Your Marriage

Life these days can get crazy busy. I know how hard it is to put

1. Having a Great Marriage

... on your "to do" list. 

But, with a little imagination and some creativity, it's really not as hard as you may think. 

Often real change can happen with a few simple tweaks in your approach. 

For over 20 years I've been teaching busy professionals how simple it can be to build a supportive, passionate marriage, one loving step at a time. 

One of the ways I do this is to provide couples with some smart tools to help make this happen.

So I'd like to introduce you to my 3 Part Video Series -

"Making a Difference In Your Relationship"

Over the next few days, I will be revealing three videos- each focused on a particular challenge along with creative solutions to help you work through these challenges successfully.

In this series, you will learn simple steps to help you move closer to the relationship you really want to have. 

The first video is called - "Be The Change"

Personal responsibility can be so empowering. It puts you in the driver's seat as you begin making those positive changes in your relationship.

Click here to receive video #1 "Be The Change"

Making Time For Your Marriage

Are you ready for your second marriage enhancing tip? 

How much time do you put into making your marriage a priority - into making it what you want it to be?

With so many other commitments competing for attention, your marriage can end up forgotten, like those old vacation pictures at the back of the junk drawer - lost.

It usually doesn't get much attention until the signs of neglect become too hard to ignore. You begin to feel like those "two ships," as if you're roommates instead of the loving partners you once were.

You might even start to wonder if your marriage is going to work out at all.

Well, it's no wonder. Neither of you is getting what you need, and your marriage is certainly not getting what it needs to thrive.

Your marriage is the foundation of your family and it is too important to ignore. It's not meant to run on auto pilot.

Click Below to discover ways to give it the attention it needs to thrive!

 Video  #2 - "Make Time For Your Relationship"

Always remember - the seed of the solution is within you!

A Healthy Marriage Requires a Healthy You!

A successful marriage involves two healthy people creating habits of loving behavior each day. 

An important habit that sometimes gets forgotten is the habit of loving self-care. You can't give what you don't have. 

Click below to find the secret ingredients of healthy self- care.

You need to take good care of yourself so that you can take good care of your relationship!

Video  #3 - "Take Good Care of Yourself"

A Marriage Counselor's Personal Story

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to connect with you and share all that I've learned about having a great relationship.

I love helping couples create the marriage they really want to have.

I would imagine, though, that you would like to get to know more about who I am.

I promised you in my last video that I would share with you the secret that changed my marriage so dramatically.

That's why I've devoted this article to taking you behind the scenes and sharing a little bit about my own story, so you'll know why I'm so passionate about what I do.

Being a marriage counselor and being married can be tricky business.

Since I have access to really effective relationship tools, some people think I'm immune to marital conflict and should know better. 

But the stresses and strains of life affect all of us and can damage any relationship.

Many years ago my husband and I went through a pretty rough patch in our marriage. During this time our kids were younger, and we were each focusing on our careers while trying to raise a family.

There was so much going on - the kid's sports schedules, school projects, business meetings and on and on.

Like many couples we were in a whirlwind of "to-do's" and it began to overwhelm our relationship. We weren't making our marriage a priority and the signs of neglect became too hard to ignore.

We were beginning to feel more like roommates than the loving partners we once were.

Can you relate?

Then we discovered an Imago Relationship Workshop where we learned the skills we needed to completely transform our relationship. Our communication has improved because we learned how to listen to each other with so much more love and respect.After this amazing experience, I just had to learn all I could about Imago and I went on to become an Imago Relationship Therapist.

I can now share all those same wonderful skills with the couples I work with each day. 

My husband and I continue to have a solid and supportive connection, and I'm happy to say that we'll be celebrating our 30th anniversary very soon!

Sure we still disagree at times, but we spend less time arguing and more time really enjoying each other and having fun together.

I'm so grateful for what we created, and it's kind of scary to think how easily things could have gone the other way.

It's devastating to see a marriage crumble.

Like you, I have painfully watched close friends and family struggle in their marriages, and I've seen the devastation this has had on their children, their health, and their well-being.

Some have gone through very painful divorces because they didn't have the skills to communicate effectively with the love of their life.

And it's tragic because it doesn't have to be this way.

I've been teaching busy professionals how simple it can be to feel more passion in their marriage when they learn the skills they need to build a supportive relationship together.

In fact, I've dedicated my years of education, training, experience, and my entire heart and soul - to develop my own unique system that has helped couples improve their relationship in a powerful way.

Here's the best part...

Having a healthy, passionate marriage isn't as complicated as you think when you learn how to build a supportive relationship one loving step at a time.

I would love to help you too.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage, click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.