Marriage Makeover: 3 Steps To a Better Marriage In The New Year!

For many people January is somewhat of a letdown. The holidays are over, it's cold outside, and we're usually left with a few extra pounds from overdoing it in December. But to me the new year means a new beginning, a fresh start, and as Oprah Winfrey cheers- "a new year and another  chance for us to get it right."

You have a golden opportunity in this brand new year to bring a spirit of positive change into your marriage. Even in these barren days of winter a new perspective can begin to blossom. 

Isn't life all about perspective? I often tell my clients that I believe life is 99.9% perspective. How we choose to see the world is how we will experience it. So,it's not a matter of overhauling your whole relationship. That can feel like a daunting challenge. Maybe it's just a matter of tweaking your perspective- just a little. Noticing, perhaps for the first time in a long while, the good that was there all along. 

It's like Dorothy's ruby slippers in the Wizard of Oz. I love that amazing scene when the Good Witch revealed to Dorothy the value of those slippers. She had been wearing them all along without realizing the power they possessed. In that moment Dorothy discovers she wasn't asking the right question. The question was not, "How do I get what I want?"  The real question was, "How do I recognize what I already have?"  

You need to polish that old gemstone and discover how beautiful and precious it really is. That gemstone of course is your spouse!

Here are 3 steps you can take right now to make the New Year's Resolution that really counts:

• Begin to focus on what you love about your spouse. Make a list to remind yourself. Read it often and don't forget to share these precious insights with the special person who inspires this affection.

• Be kind. This quote says it all. So simple, yet so powerful!

• Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Practice seeing things from your spouse's "perspective" instead of your own.  You'd be surprised how much you can learn when you adopt an attitude of curiosity rather than judgment. 

  So I guess January isn't such a letdown after all.  Ah, the beauty of PERSPECTIVE!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!  Let's make this year our best year ever!!

3 Fun Ideas to Give the Gift that Lasts!

Presents, presents, and more presents! That's what everyone's thinking about this time of year.  We're all searching for that perfect present for that special someone. 

What if that perfect present were absolutely free because you already have it to give? 

Well, look no further. That perfect present is- drum roll please... YOU. 

It's your presence.

(I couldn't resist a little holiday pun;)

Your presence is the greatest gift you can give your spouse this holiday season. The hustle and bustle of life pulls us in all kinds of directions all year long. 

It seems that couples have so little time to spend together and enjoy each other's company.

Why don't you decide that this year will be different?  

In my work with couples II talk a lot about the stages in a committed relationship and those of you who have worked with me know that my goal is to help couples evolve into the Conscious Love Stage. I call this the "Make it Happen" stage. So, instead of waiting and wishing that you had more time together - MAKE IT HAPPEN! When you make a decision to spend some quality time together it will happen. Need some ideas?

•    Hot Chocolate Rendezvous

Cuddle up by the fire with your favorite blanket and two steamy cups of hot chocolate. You can even roast some marshmallows or make some yummy S'mores together. Don't have a fireplace? No problem. Grab that favorite blanket, a thermos, and a picnic basket and take it to the park.

    •    Dinner for Two

Short on cash or time for a dinner date at that fancy restaurant? Then bring the restaurant to you. Light some candles, put on that romantic music, and dust off those fancy dinner plates you save for special occasions. If you love to cook you can whip up your favorite meal or just bring home some take-out and enjoy it with a romantic, elegant flare.
 

    •    Winter Wonderland Fun

If you want to have some fun burning those extra holiday calories try some fun winter sports together. Head for the slopes or the ice rink or maybe catch a hockey game together.

It just takes a little imagination and a splash of determination to spice up your relationship. So what are you waiting for?

Wishing you all a very blessed, safe and happy holiday season!

Hope you found this newsletter insightful for your marriage.

If you can think of one person who would benefit, please use the share link below to spread the word. 

Are you still struggling in your marriage? 

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Are you Letting Your Marriage Get Lost in the Shuffle?

Life can really get crazy.

Two jobs, the kids soccer practices, back to school night, PTA meetings – and on it goes…

It’s a whirlwind of “to-dos.”  But where does your marriage fit into all of that? How much time do you make for your relationship? Is it even on the calendar?

With all these other commitments competing for attention, your marriage can end up forgotten, like the summer vacation pictures at the back of the junk drawer – LOST.

It usually doesn’t get much attention until the signs of neglect become too hard to ignore. You begin to feel like those “two ships,” as if you’re roommates instead of the loving partners you once were.

It’s no wonder. Neither of you is getting what you need and your marriage is certainly not getting what it needs to thrive.

Let’s make sure your marriage doesn’t get lost in the shuffle. You can plan to do things differently. When you get those calendars out to schedule those basketball practices and business meetings, block some time in your schedule for your marriage. This could mean a Friday evening date night, a walk together around the neighborhood, or just some quiet time on the patio with no distractions.

Just like anything else that’s important in your life, the effort you expend morphs into meaningful rewards. Nothing beats that feeling of closeness and connection with your significant other. But this is built over time and nurtured with every loving encounter.

So get your marriage on the top of that list and start reaping the rewards of a healthy and vibrant relationship.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Don’t forget to join my “Love Your Marriage” exclusive community.

I'm in there every day to give you some helpful tools and resources for your marriage and hopefully, you will share a few of your own.  Click here to join 

3 Ways to Create Emotional Safety in Your Marriage

In my humble opinion the two most important ingredients in any healthy marriage are trust and safety. In an emotionally safe marriage each spouse feels valued, understood, and accepted. They may not always agree with each other, but each partner attempts to understand the other’s point of view with warmth and empathy. In these solid marriages spouses are not afraid to radically disagree because they know that afterward they have the capacity to emotionally reconnect.

Sounds great right? But there is one deadly weapon that can obliterate this trust and safety in one fell swoop. It’s called contempt. 

According to John Gottman, one of the nations top marriage experts, contempt is the number one predictor of divorce.

The definition of contempt is showing disrespect or disgust toward another. Contempt can slip in to even the best marriages. There are countless ways spouses show contempt for each other in both verbal and non verbal ways. It often comes in the form of name calling, snickering, sarcasm, eye rolling, and long heavy sighs. Like a poison it can erode this precious trust and safety and bring your marriage to a slow death. 

When you live with another person there are bound to be feelings of resentment and frustration that crop up from time to time. This is normal. Here are three things you can do to make sure these feelings don’t morph into this deadly attitude of contempt.

1. Become aware of when you are feeling angry and annoyed. Simply notice and accept these feeling without judgement. As you begin to explore these emotions with compassion you can respond to your partner with greater precision and clarity.

2. Let some time pass. Don’t react in the heat of the moment. Take some time to think about how you want to express these important feelings.

3. Delivery is everything. Remember it’s not what you say, but how you say it that makes all the difference. Your goal is to be heard. So you need to present your message in a way that makes this happen without doing damage to the relationship.

   If you would like the "rest of the story" click here to get my free resource:                                                                                                                            

    "How To Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen"

\

How To Fight Fair in Your Marriage

Being a Marriage and Family Therapist and being married can be a double-edged sword. You have access to cutting edge tools and techniques and you are expected to always use them faithfully.

Well, things don’t always run as smoothly as they should. Especially in situations like the one that happened last night…

My husband and I were having a “discussion” about a heated issue and I felt myself becoming really angry with him. Did I immediately use one of the techniques I teach my couples?

Uhh, no. All I could think of were the many reasons why I had the right to be angry. I felt totally justified. To top it off, when we were “discussing” the situation, I heard myself uttering those dreaded words I tell my couples never to use - “always” and“never.”

That fight or flight response was in full gear. I was stuck in my immediate reaction and struck by the realization that, in that very moment, I was doing none of the things I teach my clients to do – things I know really work.

This was a very humbling experience, of course, and it was yet another reminder of how very challenging it can be to have a great marriage. I suddenly felt an even more profound admiration and respect for my clients as they diligently work to make their marriages thrive.

My “Aha!” moment came when I realized I have a choice. I didn’t have to stumble down that rocky road of anger and unhappiness, AND I have a reservoir of tools I teach my clients that I can use right here and right now.

“The point of power is always in the present moment.” – that’s what I teach in my workshop. I know that the tools I give my clients to use really work. The challenging part is putting them to work when it matters the most, like when your emotions are running high and it’s so hard to think clearly.

I stepped back from the situation because I realized that what I was doing wasn’t getting me what I wanted. Then I gave myself that all-important time out. This respite gave me the opportunity to settle my mind and think more clearly about the situation, thus creating that crucial pause between the situation and my reaction to it.

This is the fertile ground from which choice emerges.

As my mind started to settle I began thinking about these tools and how they could help me in this situation. The first thing that came to mind was, “Take responsibility for your steps in the dance.”- one of my many mantras. So I began to examine the destructive behavior patterns that I might be bringing into the situation.

It was quite sobering to recognize my role in this pattern, yet also immensely empowering to realize that this pattern was precisely what I have the power to change.

My choices can change the whole direction in this interaction. When we get stuck in our fight or flight mode, we see only those two choices. As I reflected on this during my quiet time I realized there were so many other choices available to me – opportunities to be the loving spouse I know I can be.

This put me in the driver’s seat, actively participating in changing the direction of this encounter. After 27 years of marriage the road can get bumpy at times, but it continues to be an exciting and healing journey.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

A Great Marriage is More Than Dumb Luck!

Lucky four-leaf clovers are popping up a lot this month along with that elusive pot of gold.  St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner.

My husband and I met on this very special day many moons ago. Though I don’t have a speck of Irish in me, I’d like to think that some of the “Luck o The Irish” can come my way during this time of year.

If Im not careful, though, I can start to believe that luck or wishful thinking has anything to do with creating a great marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. A great marriage involves two people consciously and intentionally creating the kind of marriage they desire together.

If each spouse is dedicated to taking personal responsibility for how they act and what they do to create the marriage they want, the relationship will continue to thrive. 

Does that mean perfection? No way! It may involve falling many times. But it also means having the courage to get back on track again and again. 

Eventually, you start to build a foundation for your relationship and discover that what you share is more solid than fleeting feelings.  You make a decision to see your relationship as a healing journey. The reward is an authentic relationship filled with excitement and passion.

So forget luck. Start reaping those sweet rewards as you forge ahead with determination toward your "pot of gold", the wonderful new relationship you are creating together.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 Click Here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

How To Communicate With Your Spouse The Smart Way!

Have you ever blurted out something stupid and insensitive in an argument with your spouse and you instantly wish you could push the rewind button? 

Well, here's a little tip that might give you a  "Get out of jail free" card. 

Ask your spouse for his or her opinion. Say something like, “How do you see it?” or “What’s your take?” This opens up the possibility of dialogue and it leaves room for an honest discussion instead of a fight. 

So the next time you find yourself backed into a corner by your own thoughtlessness try asking your spouse for their opinion on the subject.

It could mean the difference between a night at the fights…

And a night to remember!

For more ideas about communicating with style check out my free resource:

5 Powerful Tools to Help You Talk... So Your Spouse Will LIsten!

How Married Couples Can Make The Most Out Of Valentine's Day!

The romance of February is here with Valentine’s Day smack-dab in the middle of the month.

So, here is my rock solid marriage advice in honor of this very sexy month. 

Throw caution to the wind and date someone even though you’re married.

Yes, you heard right! I’m breaking out of my conventional comfort zone and suggesting something very radical here.

I suggest surprising this special someone at work with flowers or fresh baked cookies, or sending those seductive texts they love so much. How about sneaking out together for that romantic rendezvous at your favorite restaurant.

So bold, so reckless, so wonderful for your marriage - Huh?

Well, only if that special someone happens to be your spouse. Who says dating has to stop even though you’re married?

If you want an incredible marriage (and who doesn’t) you need to make it incredible. When you are conscious and intentional about your marriage you do what you need to do to make that happen. That includes carving out special time on a regularly basis to actually have fun with each other and connect in a meaningful way.

All work and no play is no way to have a healthy and vibrant marriage. So bring the magic back and start dating that love of your life again. Happy Valentine’s Day!!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

Click Here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

How To Have A Better Marriage For The New Year.

What happened to those New Years Resolutions? All too often they seem to fade away like the morning mist at sunrise. In years past I have resolved to start a new work out routine, drink more water, eat healthier snacks, yada, yada, yada. But by February this resolve is severely waning and by March it’s completely off the radar. I’ve decided to change it up this New Year.

This year I decided to ditch those same old same olds. Those old resolutions that I probably won’t keep for too long.  I have decided to replace them with a focus on living a more balanced life. 

For many of us, trying to maintain balance in life feels a little like walking a tightrope. Most of us have so many demands on our time and energy. Life often feels like a three-ring circus, leaving little time to invest in a healthy marriage. 

Take this quiz to see how well you are meeting responsibilities, while also recognizing and fulfilling your needs and the needs of your relationship.

True or False

____   1. The only way I can successfully manage my life is to take care of myself physically and emotionally.

____2. Nurturing myself enlarges my capacity to have a healthier marriage.

____ 3. I set aside personal, quiet time for myself, whether I’m meditating, journalling, or simply allowing myself time to daydream.

____4. Creativity is nurturing. I take time to do what I love, whether that’s cooking, drawing, fishing, photography or anything that brings magic to my soul.

If you answered false to any of these questions see if you can incorporate something of its message into your life in the New Year.  

Remember, you can’t give what you don’t have. A healthy marriage starts with a healthy you!

So this year let’s resolve to stress less, accomplish more, and take exciting new steps toward healthier relationships!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 Click Here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Married Couples: Are you oversharing on Facebook?

It goes without saying that Facebook has become a social phenomenon. In the click of a button we can let everyone know what, when, and how we are doing. This can be a nice way to touch base and connect to those we don’t see everyday. But all too often people, and particularly couples, tends to indulge in a bit of overshare.

Here are 2 examples for couples of what not to say on Facebook.

1) Strife and squabbles happen in the best of relationships, but do you need to use your status updates to let the world know that your spouse kept you up all night with his incessant snoring? Or, that you're sick of her constantly flirting with the guy next door? Keep it close to the vest people. Some things really need to be kept behind those closed doors. When you come around to making up there is no putting that cat back in the bag. Think before you post.

2) Love, love, love; it makes the world go round. But not everyone wants to hear you proclaim your devotion to your sweetheart with sappy little love songs and poetic romance quotes. Save those precious moments for the Hallmark cards. It’s so much more intimate and real.

(I’m not even going to talk about those gushy hashtags - #loveydovey, really?)

When you’re using Facebook to ask your spouse to pick up a quart of milk on the way home from work or wondering who’s picking the kids up tonight it may be time to slow down and start thinking about how you can reengage in a more meaningful way. Facebook can be a fun and helpful tool to catch up with friends, but don’t let it be a substitute for genuine connection with your partner.

Check out this Huff Post article for more opinions on this subject

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Infidelity: Should you share all the details of an affair?

I had the opportunity to participate in an Experts Panel in Manhattan with several therapist including the founders of Imago Relationship Therapy.

Check us out below discussing the pros and cons of sharing the details of an affair. Hope you enjoy it!

2 Reasons Why You DON"T Need The Dirty Details Of Their Affair.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Here's How To Keep The Fireworks Out Of Your Marriage

I hope you had a wonderful 4th. I know I did. We got to watch the fireworks in downtown Bethlehem. They were great.

It's fun to watch the fireworks. It's not so fun when they happen in your relationship. No worries though. They happen in every relationship because - "stuff happens."

The key is to turn the conflict on its head by pushing that all important "PAUSE BUTTON." 

This pause button short circuits that fight or flight impulse (the instinct that gets triggered during a heated argument) and redirects energy to the problem solving part of the brain. (the neocortex).

So how do you activate this powerful button? 

When that argument is headed to "never, never land" you need to say, "Hold it, what is this going to accomplish?" Then you need to take a time out. This doesn't mean ignoring it or shoving things under the rug. You take a time out to regroup, decompress and clear your mind so you can come back to the discussion and give your feelings the respect they deserve by expressing them when you're calm. 

In my  Marriage Repair Workshop I have couples formulate their  - "Plan NOT to Attack." They describe in detail what they will do when things escalate, how long their time out will be, and what they will do to resolve things in a healthier way. When this plan is in play it can eventually become your new "go to" response and can override those old destructive habits.

So, see if you can develop your own "Plan NOT to Attack" together. This way the only fireworks you see are the ones on the 4th!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

The Power of Facebook

I have a confession to make. I'm not a Facebook person. Wow, I feel un-American just saying that out loud.

I guess it's because I often hear how destructive it can be when it is misused. I have, however, come to realize that it can be a dynamic vehicle for positive change, providing inspiration, hope, and encouragement with exponential power.

So I decided to take the plunge and open a professional page.

My vision for this page has been to provide a space where people can glean creative and innovative ideas for their intimate relationships and also provide a forum to discuss what works in relationships. 

All too often we focus on what isn't working in our relationships and, unfortunately, we usually get more of the same coming into our lives. My philosophy is "what you focus on expands" - you need to focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. I also believe that the seed of the solution is within every one of us.

I invite you to visit my Facebook page - (www.facebook.com/ChristineWilke.Marriage) and share some of your own pearls of wisdom with others. You can share informative, relationship-based articles or quotes that you find especially inspiring, or even just ideas you've come up with in the shower. I'd like this to be a collaborative effort to make the world a more loving place to live.

Once a week, on Wisdom Wednesday, I post a though-provoking message or question for you to respond to. I'd love to hear any suggestions you may have to make this a fun experience for everyone. And get your friends and family on board - the more positive energy, the better.

Relationships can have their challenging moments. It can feel lonely at times when you feel like there's no hope for resolution. But there are also times when growth and healing happen...so jump right in and share your insights, triumphs and victories with others. Who knows, you could be sharing just what someone else needs to hear!

A special note about confidentiality: Please don't share anything that you feel is private or confidential. I honor and respect your privacy and do not want that compromised in any way. If you have a concern that you want to discuss with me privately, feel free to private message me or contact me via my website and I would be happy to speak with you about it.

So if you're up for the challenge, follow me on Facebook and, as they say in Imago, let's start "transforming the world one relationship at a time."

I contributed to an interesting article for the the Huffington Post regarding couples and Facebook. Check it out here

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Marriage Roadmap: How To Avoid The Predictible Speed Bumps

A great relationship takes dedication and that scary word – WORK. This is the good kind of work though, the kind that brings life-long rewards. Don’t you find that anything worthwhile takes work?  Those washboard abs don’t just magically appear and a successful business doesn’t grow by itself. Many hours of blood, sweat, and tears go into these endeavors. Sounds a little like marriage doesn’t it?

Marriages progress through several predictable stages. I’ll cover the three most important ones today:
• Romantic Stage
• Power Struggle Stage
• Conscious Love Stage

The first is the Romantic Stage – when everything feels right and it’s so easy to be together. You want to be with each other all the time because you feel like you’re home at last. In this stage you minimize things you dislike about your partner. This is where that initial bonding occurs, the bonding that helps to sustain the relationship through difficult times.

There is a normal and natural progression to the next stage, which is
the Power Struggle Stage. I emphasize normal and natural because most couples are stunned as they watch their magical union morph into a “night at the fights.” This is when the initial euphoria of finding each other gives way to anger and disillusionment as you start to notice all the little things that annoy you about your partner – his snoring, her messiness. Sadly, many marriages either end at this stage or “white knuckle it”, figuring this is “as good as it gets.”

The good news – there’s another option. It’s the third stage called the Conscious Love Stage. This is the stage when you decide to consciously and intentionally create the kind of relationship you both desire. I call it the “Make-it-Happen” Stage – where you become proactive rather than reactive to each other.

You start to build a foundation for your relationship and discover that what you share is more solid than fleeting feelings. In this stage you make a decision to see your relationship as a healing journey.

The reward is an authentic relationship filled with excitement and passion. Creating this masterpiece takes skill, but how do you hone this fine craft? You practice, practice, practice – until it becomes second nature. You develop and practice new habits of loving connection until they become your new “normal.”

You wouldn’t practice playing the piano when you want to get great at golf. So why would you practice fighting, bickering, and arguing when you want a great relationship? You need to practice what you want, not what you don’t want. Until what you want becomes the new normal. If you want a loving relationship, you have to practice being loving – then let the fun begin!  Start reaping those sweet rewards as you forge ahead with determination toward your “pot of gold”, the wonderful new relationship you are creating together. 

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

How To Build A Healthy Self For A Healthy Marriage

A great relationship starts with giving from an abundant heart and you can’t give what you don’t already have. The habit of good self-care is a key ingredient to a great relationship. It starts with being aware of yourself enough to recognize and know what you need.

I tend to take a holistic approach when it comes to working with clients. I view each person’s situation from a mind-body-spirit perspective. It’s important to focus on all three to create a habit of personal self-care.

Right now, give yourself a few moments to get comfortable and ponder these questions:
• What aspect of my life needs more attention?
• Does my mind need more quiet time or a new hobby?
• Is there a good book I’ve been meaning to read?
• Does my body need more exercise, more sleep, nutritious food?
• Is there an exercise class I’ve been meaning to sign up for?
• Does my spirit need time to meditate or pray?
• Is my pattern of self-talk positive or negative?
• Have I given myself permission and time to play?

As you learn to honor these needs, begin to express them to your partner in a clear and assertive way. The Imago Dialogue helps to create the safe space that’s necessary for sharing these delicate needs and to feel comfortable with this process. When you and your partner take the time to listen, mirror, validate, and empathize with each other, a beautiful (and safe) connection emerges. You are better able to support each other in getting both your needs met in a healthy way.

As with any other type of habit, reflecting on your own needs takes time and practice. As you listen to yourself, they will begin to emerge and your practice of holistic self-care will become second nature. As you both fill your own buckets, you’ll then be able to selflessly share your abundance with each other. 

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

2 Easy Ways To Transform Your Marriage With Gratitude

There is something to be said about gratitude. Author and researcher Dr. Robert Emmons has discovered the secret to a more meaningful life – Gratitude.

Studies have shown that gratitude can improve emotional and physical health, and strengthen relationships and communities.

In my work with couples, I often use the phrase – “What you focus on expands.” quite a lot. If you focus on the flaws in your relationship, you will notice these flaws more often. If, however, you practice this wonderful virtue of gratitude, and focus on what you love and cherish about your partner, the traits that you love will expand in your field of awareness.

Gratitude changes your perception thus changing your world. It works kind of like a prism changing ordinary light into a rainbow of colors. The light doesn’t actually change, but our perception of it changes depending upon how we look through the prism. (pic of prism)

What are some practical ways you can bring gratitude into your life and your relationship?

*Keep a Gratitude Journal

Keeping a gratitude journal about your relationship helps you look past many an annoying habit and can help you rediscover what makes your partner so special.

*The Appreciation Dialogue

One of the variations of the Imago Dialogue that I teach couples  is the Appreciation Dialogue. When couples practice this dialogue regularly they cultivate the habit of noticing and sharing all the things they love about each other. Can you imaging how this could impact your relationship?

Let’s make it a tradition to practice gratitiude  every day of the year so that we can all reap the rewards of a truly blessed and grateful heart.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Can Your Marriage Help You Heal An Unhealthy Childhood?

I tend to prefer to guide my clients toward a more hopeful future with little patience for delving too deeply into the past. Why stay stuck in the past when we can make positive changes to create a better future right now? That being said, sometimes we need to examine where we’ve been in order to know where we’re going.

My training in Imago Relationship Therapy provides a paradigm that blends forward-leaning thinking with an examination of the past that doesn’t leave you stuck there – thus transforming past problems into future possibilities. Surprisingly, the key ingredient, or linchpin, to all this is your marriage. Imago therapy teaches that your marriage is the powerful catalyst that heals the wounds of childhood by transforming worn-out and oftenpainful relationship patterns into new and exciting ways of connecting.

Imago” is the Latin term for image. One of the core precepts of the Imago Process is that each of us carries, deep inside, an unconscious image of our ideal partner. This image develops in childhood and powerfully influences the type of partner we select as adults. It also impacts how we relate to that partner.

We constructed the blueprint of our “Imago” by combining all the positive and negative traits of our parents. It is this blueprint we use in our search for a mate, and it’s familiar and comfortable, but not always healthy. However, it compels us to choose the kind of partner we need in a committed, intimate relationship in order to heal and grow.

Wouldn’t it seem logical, though, that we would choose partners who don’t have the negative attributes of our parents? Why would we search for the very traits that wounded us and caused us so much pain? Because it is the pain from those old wounds that we now seek to heal. Our subconscious is trying to replicate the environment of our upbringing in order to correct it.

When we are physically wounded, our bodies instinctively go into healing mode. Our psyches respond in much the same way. When we look for a mate we are subliminally trying to recreate those same patterns from childhood in order to grow and heal. As these familiar patterns replay in our marriage and those old wounds are reopened, we can work with our partner to change the script of our story from a painful one to a healing one. We can do it differently now. As we grow in our marriage we can respond with the love, compassion and empathy that we so wanted and needed as a child. We can begin to leave those wounds behind by co-creating a healthier reality with our spouse.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Simple Ways That You Can Be The Positive Change In Your Marriage!

Have you ever heard of the Butterfly Effect? The phrase refers to the idea that the flutter of a butterfly’s wings can create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may even alter the path of a tornado in another location. A very small adjustment in a physical system can make a significant difference at some later time and place. The idea is that small steps can eventually lead to big change. Sometimes our intimate relationships can feel like tornados and the obstacles can feel insurmountable. This can be frustrating and often we feel powerless to change. Maybe we can learn something from these tiny creatures.

It’s amazing that these delicate butterflies can make such a big impact on the world. Imagine what impact each of us can make if, instead of blaming our partner for causing the storm, we focus on making a small change in our own behavior that could prevent it.

Marriage is like a dance. It has a certain rhythm to it, and each of us contributes to that rhythm for good or for bad. It is so much more empowering to take responsibility for our steps in this dance. You’d be surprised to discover how much power you have when you own your own stuff. So, just for a week, I want you to take the focus off of what your partner is or isn’t doing, and be that loving presence you so desire. Make the tiny shift and see the positive impact you create.

Now – this is not about condoning bad behavior and allowing it to continue. It’s about examining the situation and asking, “What part of this do I have the power to change?” “What’s the loving response?”

So, in the spirit of taking small steps toward big change this week, I want you to do one thing each day that may bring some happiness into your partner’s life. It could be doing a chore you know they hate to do,or telling them how great they look today. It might be a little love note or even a loving glance – any gesture that may bring more loving energy into your relationship. And be creative!

You might even have some fun along the way…

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Making Marriage Work: The Power of Love

“I love you.” Simple, but oh so powerful. How often do you express your love and appreciation to your partner?

It doesn’t always have to be in words. It can be in the loving things you do - like putting on the coffee in the morning, calling during the day just to check in, or even a loving glance can make all the difference. 

John Gottman, the nation’s top marriage expert, found that happy, stable, long-term relationships had one thing in common: there was a constant ratio of five positive behaviors for every one negative. We need to flood each other with positive, caring behaviors for our relationships to thrive.

What we focus on expands. If you focus on what you love in the relationship, you will experience your partner more positively.

So take some time this week to focus on the things you love about your partner and what’s right about the relationship. Make sure you let them know (and not just in words). 

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

DO YOU LET YOUR MASKS COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE?

Sometimes it’s easier to hide behind masks of anger than to risk being vulnerable. How often do you try to be that prince or princess while burying your own needs deep inside? Things can seem picture perfect on the outside, while quiet desperation brims just under the surface.

One of the first steps on the journey to a more authentic relationship is to create a climate of safety and security. The Couples Dialogue that I teach in my couples is designed to do just that.
It all starts with the way you communicate with each other. This dialogue is a step-by-step process of building trust and intimacy as you begin to actively listen to each other with validation and empathy. Here are a few key components:

• Adopt a curious, focused attention on your partner during the dialogue. Remember, you don’t have to agree. Your goal is to understand a perspective that will most likely be very different than your own.
• Take turns letting each other speak without interruption. When you allow each other to speak freely without judgment, a safe and healthy connection begins to emerge.
• Use phrases like, “I can see how you might see it that way.” or “I imagine that might have made you feel…” to cultivate a sense of validation and empathy.

Being authentic and real in our relationships can be a frightening proposition, but it is one of the key ingredients to a healthy and satisfying relationship.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.